BLOOD SPORT

By Michael Shannon

For those of you who struggle to make sense of political shenanigans here in the United States maybe I can offer you peace if not understanding of the subject.

First, “The Great Game” and what it means. As originally coined it referred to a so-called “Tournament of Shadows” featuring political and diplomatic struggles between western powers and the the countries of the middle east. Secrecy, spies, murder and open warfare were featured in the attempt to control the governments and destinies of entire countries. Kings, Prime Ministers, Presidents, Dictators, Tsars, Generals and religious leaders operated in a murky underworld of governments always seeking advantage. The whole thing driven by profit or money if you will, the only true “Universal Language.”

Dear Mister King of Whataboutistan. I see your father sent you to Oxford, Cambridge or Berkeley for a first class education. I understand that your goal is to raise your people out of poverty and build a modern capitalist county. Wink, wink. Great idea. Now, heres what we can do. For a nominal amount of interest we will loan you a Billion or so. You can then begin realizing your dream.

We will provide you with skilled advisors to help you in your endeavor. They can set up the agencies you will need to disburse the funds, plan improvements and expand your army because you will need security for yourself and all the special people who will gladly help you in accomplishing your goals. Actually the more you hire the more loyal people you have. It doesn’t cost much, buying loyalty is a snap.

We don’t ask for much in return, just the opportunity to buy minerals and other goods from you for a nominal fee. That Potash in the hills is just going to waste, we could use it for fertilizer at home and that Guano on your coastal islands makes great gunpowder and we need that also to make sure that the German tyrant or the French Emperor stay in their places. If you give us a monopoly on them we will pay you directly, put money in your treasury which you can share as you see fit but only if you want to of course. The peasants in the hills don’t really need the money do they? They’d just waste it and since you’re the King it’s really all yours anyway, right?

Those Russians up north can’t really be trusted can they? Perhaps you would consider letting us station just a few troops to help if they try anything funny. They have a history of that you know. If you could see your way clear to letting us to help you out, you know just a few thousand soldiers and some generals and such. By the way we have some great medals and silk sashess encrusted with diamonds and rubies, we’d oh so happy to give you a few, they will make your uniform look oh so fine, very Kingly if you know what I mean.

The former Shah of Iran, Mohammad Reza Pahlavi.

If you need help with mineing we can do that too for just a nominal share. We’d be delighted to build you some railroads too, we will even pay for building them you will just have to sign over a little land along the right of way, not a gift mind you, after all were are doing you a favor. In any case you will need them to haul the Guano and Potash to the docks where our latest devices will load it onto our ships. The money will just roll in to to the bank we will charter in your name. Maybe take some of your bright boys and teach them the business, mentored by our skilled adviors mind you but they will learn the system.

And hey, what if we build you a couple of mansions in London or perhaps one in Monaco just so you have a nice place to live and not in that old Imperial Palace you live in now. It’s old and drafty isn’t it? No problem, New York living is great and your kids can go to the best schools, hang out with Manhattan posh crowd and not have to worry about business at home we will be glad to take care of that for you, just a small fee.

Life in London, New York or Paris is good for the kids, keeps them out of your hair so they’re not scheming to show you the door. Your girls can hang with Kim and Kylie and the boys can play polo. No sucession worries.

If the warlords get restless up in the mountains why we can provide our troops, we will call them advisors, to train and help you keep them at bay and don’t worry about weapons we will sell whatever you need, at least up to a point. Your army doesn’t need the sophisticated ones we use. The risk is they might turn against you so better be safe.

Oh, and those poppies in the south, you know, he ones that produce opium, you could make some serious money there if you need it. Drugs will keep your people happy and quiet. We will back you on that so go ahead.

Don’t like the sound of that, well do a Google search on the Opium Wars.* Ask the Chinese how that worked for them. Oh no, no, no thats not a threat. We don’t do that, we bring drugs into our country by the truckload and then throw billions of dollars at enforcement that doesn’t work. Just arrest the users and street dealers but stay away from the finance boys. Just make ’em think you’re doing something when you’re not. Tell them “Just say no.” Heck, just blame it on the young woman with a baby who walked across the border all the way from Guatemala. The drugs are in her backpack. Beside she’s probably a murderer or rapist. She is the wrong color too and doesn’t speak “Our” language. Both strategies will work for you.

If you still don’t have enough money and power as if such a thing is possible we will lend you more and perhaps you would be willing to let our businesses buy some concessions to operate in your country. I mean, you have all this unskilled labor that has nothing important to do and we could take care of that for you for a nice “Little” finders fee. Just a few chemical plants or some mineral extraction pits and mines, your people will be happy to have meaningful work and we don’t really need to spend money on safety or health care and pensions. Ignorant workers are happy workers.

IMF, International Monetary Fund.

Careful with education too. Educated workers are guaranteed trouble. They might start asking for a piece of the pie. So be careful what you teach them. Of course, when they gather in groups, you can just call them a “dangerous mob” and shoot a few. Thats worked well for us. Increases profits too.

If you come up a little short we would be happy to lend you more money. Interest has gone up a little but I’m sure thats not a problem for you and you can squirrel away a few billion Shekels, Rubles or Dollars in Switzerland for a rainy day, after all thats the only reason the country exists. A gentlemen’s agreement to let it hide away important monies for the powerful just like like you.

So lets shake on it and good luck. We’ll be your friends until we are not.

Notes:

PS: We will send you the phone numbers of some of our friends and they would be happy, I’m sure to give you any tips about exile when you need it.

Mrs Marcos, Mrs Arafat, Mrs Shah Reza Pahlavi, Idi Amin or Pol Pot, give ’em a ring. Don’t wait too long though like Muammar Gaddafi did. His Giant Revolutionary Nuns Amazon bodyguards couldn’t save him.

The Revolutionary Nuns.

*The Opium Wars were two mid-19th century conflicts between the British Empire (and later France) and China’s Qing dynasty. Fought over illicit British opium smuggling, trade imbalances, and diplomatic sovereignty, China’s defeat initiated a century of foreign exploitation and territorial concessions such as Nanking, Macao, Singapore and Hong Kong..

Cover: A 19th century political cartoon lampooning Russia, The Bear and Englands, the Lion’s adventures in Afghanistan. Names have changed but the games the same.

Michael Shannon will on occasion resort to Snark or as his friend Will says,”Why don’t you say what you really mean,” usually punctuated with laughter. Both are from California and proud of it.